Actual Quotes from my Dad (An English Teacher)
- Dad: Why the hell did you put a comma there?
- Dad: Do you even know what a participial phrase is?
- Dad: Omg. He's like my favorite character of all time.
- Dad: Who should I dress up as for the movie premier?
- Dad: Hey are you awak? I know it's late, but you read Animal Farm, right? Yeah. I need you to read this report. I can't tell if I am just super tired or if this is actual bullshit.
- Dad: Alesha wouldn't be able to spell 'definitely' right if wrote it down for her. She would fucking erase it and then write 'defiantly', because she doesn't care. I hate her.
- Dad: I need you to bake brownies. I lost a bet.
- Dad: Omg. You cannot ship me with Gilcher. You know I don't like tattoos and he's like twenty-five. And for Christ's sake, he teaches math.
- Dad: Omg. Gilcher said the funniest thing today.
- Dad: Mrs. Ashworth and I have decided to start a band. It'll be called Great Expectations.
- Dad: It's like you didn't read the fucking book.
- Dad: Okay. So this week you're reading this book I stole from Mrs. Ashworth's. It's like sixty pages long, but you'll love it.
- Dad: *puts books on my bed for me to read everyday and demands that I read them*
- Dad: My son doesn't like reading. I have not only failed him, but society. You aren't my son. Leave.
- Dad: Okay. So you're getting books for Christmas. All of you. I get discounts on them since I'm a teacher, and since I'm a teacher, it's all I can afford, so...
- Dad: Fucking standardized testing can go fuck itself in the ass.
- Dad: I have to teach for the required testing instead of what they really need to know.
- Dad: Fuck the government.
- Dad: Fuck the school board.
- Dad: Close the door.
- Dad: Charles Dickens was so fucking pretentious, and I hate him, but he also caused change, but he's such a Dick. Ha. DICKens.
- Dad: I love puns.
- Dad: People who say sarcasm is the lowest form of humor are assholes.
- Dad: Please shut up.
- Dad: Catching Fire was the worst book but the best movie and that feels weird.
- Dad: I wouldn't get so mad when you call me at school if you didn't change your ringtones to inappropriate rap music.
- Dad: I fucking hate Alesha. She asked what countries were apart of Austria-Hungary today and I almost told her to get out.
- Dad: You cannot visit my school in a dress that short. There are boys there.
- Dad: Barbra Parks is fucking Queen.
- Dad: I need you to make me a good, relaxing playlist for silent reading. I'm too lazy.
- Dad: If I have to watch two of my students grind on each other at one more dance, I will kill them both.
- Dad: They act like I care what they think.
- Dad: I hate homework.
- Dad: I have decided to become a politician.
- Dad: What's the one book with the guys and the one kills the other and the chick without a name who dies and the short angry man? Mouseman? Oh my fucking gosh. Of Mice and Men. I have failed.
❝ I want you.
Your lips on mine.
Your hands around my waist.
My lips on your neck.
My hands running through your hair.
I want you.
In my bed.
Right next to me.
Holding me tight.
Talking about anything.
Gentle kisses in between thoughts.
Our tired eyes holding contact.
Slowly falling asleep. ❞
Here’s my theory. The Harry Potter trio are actually representations of the other houses. Hermione is Ravenclaw. Ron is Hufflepuff. Harry is Slytheryn. They’re all in Gryffindor because they asked. In fact, everyone in that house could have been in another house if they hadn’t asked to be in Gryffindor. You have be ask to be in Gryffindor because their most defining feature is bravery and anyone can choose to be brave.
I fuck with your theory, marry me.
My Tangled/ Floating lantern themed Wedding :)
62 Things the Avengers are Not Allowed to Do.
- 1. Tony is not allowed to replace the entire contents of the cafeteria with pop-tarts just because Thor has declared it the ‘food of the gods.’
- 2. Natasha is not allowed to interrogate new S.H.I.E.L.D. employees and dispose of the ones she deems unworthy.
- 3. Clint is not allowed to continue insisting that is the final step of the interview process to terrified new hires.
- 4. Tony is not allowed to broadcast sing-along songs into the Hulk-cage, no matter amusing he finds teaching Hulk “Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear, turn around”
- 5. Clint is not allowed to put the security feed of the Hulk’s Teddy Bear dance on Youtube.
- 6. Bruce is not allowed to hack into personnel files to look up blackmail material on Director Fury.
- 7. Tony is not allowed to insist that he’s already done so and that Fury’s middle name is Rainbow Sprinkles…. Because it isn’t.
- 8. Thor is not allowed to be naked at Headquarters. Ever.
- 9. Steve is not allowed to address any female S.H.I.E.L.D. agents as ‘little lady,’ ‘broad,’ or ‘dame.’ It only ends in getting slapped.
- 10. Agent Coulson’s name isn’t “Mom.”
- 11. Director Fury should never again be addressed as “Dad”
- 12. Agent Hill is not the Avenger’s wicked stepmother.
- 13. Clint is not allowed to lurk in the shadowy rafters spying on people, unless specifically instructed to do so for an official S.H.I.E.L.D. sanctioned mission.
- 14. ‘Operation Irritate the Fuck Out of Nick Fury’ is not an official mission, no matter what Tony or Natasha say to the contrary.
- 15. Debriefings should not be preceded by tequila shots.
- 16. Debriefings should not be followed by tequila shots.
- 17. There are to be no shots of any kind during debriefings.
- 18. Thor and Hulk will wait to fight until after the battle is over.
- 19. Tony Stark is not God’s gift to women.
- 20. The Avengers do not need matching uniforms.
- 21. Tony and Bruce are not allowed to have a contest to see who can make a bigger “boom” in the lab.
- 22. Thor is not allowed to join in and make the biggest boom with his hammer.
- 23. The Avengers will not be celebrating Steve’s 94th birthday.
- 24. The laboratory is not Tony and Bruce’s ‘Super Secret Genius Clubhouse.’ They are not allowed to bar entry to employees based on IQ test results.
- 25. The Avengers are not making a promotional pin-up calendar. Or a sex tape.
- 26. Iron Man is not making a promotional pin-up calendar. Or a sex tape.
- 27. Tony Stark is not making a promotional pin-up calendar. Or a sex tape.
- 28. Thor is not allowed to ‘bring down the wrath of Odinson’ on the person who ate the last package of pop-tarts.
- 29. Pants are not optional at team meetings.
- 30. ‘Pepper said it was okay’ is not a good enough reason to defy a director order from command.
- 31. The words “What’s the worst that could happen?” are never to be uttered on a mission ever again.
- 32. MC Hammer did not write Thor a theme song.
- 33. Gumby is not the love child of Bruce Banner and Reed Richards.
- 34. Natasha and Clint are not allowed to impersonate members of the clergy ever again. Ever.
- 35. Blasting ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’ at top volume into Bruce’s room on loop overnight is not an effective way to suppress the Hulk.
- 36. Hawkeye is not sitting in the rafters waiting to pick off people playing Galaga on their computer during work hours.
- 37. Tony is not allowed to bribe Natasha and Clint to physically, emotionally or psychologically torture General Ross for being ‘a great big douchebucket’ and ‘being mean to Brucie-kins.’
- 38. Steve is ‘Captain America’ not ‘Captain New York and those 49 other, lesser states.’
- 39. ‘Hulk SMASH!’ is not an effective diplomatic policy.
- 40. Tony is not allowed to buy the Dodgers and move them back to Brooklyn to apologize for lighting Steve’s hair on fire.
- 41. The phrase ‘Trust me, I’m a doctor’ never leads anywhere good.
- 42. It is not funny to dare Bruce to drink three quarts of green food coloring before a urine test.
- 43. Steve is not to be introduced as ‘Captain Tightpants’ or ‘The All-American Virgin.’
- 44. The Avengers do not ‘charge into battle, naked like the Celts.’ Except for The Hulk. Sometimes.
- 45. Natasha’s glare is not in fact fatal. Tony is not allowed to continue implying that it is.
- 46. Tony is not allowed to convince Bruce to help him make death ray goggles so that it will be.
- 47. The Avengers are not allowed to overthrow the American government, just because they didn’t like the results from the last election.
- 48. The Avengers are not allowed to overthrow any government, without checking in with S.H.I.E.L.D. first.
- 49. Clint is not allowed to sell Thor any ‘magic beans.’
- 50. Natasha and Clint are not allowed to try to sell Tony to another planet, even if they are promised really cool new weapons in exchange.
- 51. Tony and Bruce are not allowed to go to any science conferences without a chaperone.
- 52. A robot Tony built does not count as a chaperone.
- 53. Nikola Tesla is not a vampire being held in the bowels of S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters.
- 54. Tony and Bruce are not allowed to go searching for him in the name of Science!
- 55. Clint’s super-power is not ‘being super-annoying.’
- 56. The following words and phrases are never to be uttered over communication devices during an active mission ever again: “Exploring sexuality,” “Necrophilia,” “It’s getting hot in herr, so take off all your clothes,” “I hate everyone on this mission and I wish they’d die in a fire,” “Nick Fury can go suck on a big bag of sausages,” references to Bruce’s giant stash of weed, mention of anyone’s erection, or “Shawarma.”
- 57. If it makes Tony giggle for more than 30 seconds, it isn’t allowed.
- 58. If it makes Natasha crack a smile, it’s probably illegal.
- 59. Thor taking Jane to see Asgard does not count as an alien abduction. Clint should stop referring to it as such.
- 60. Just because Bruce agreed to work in Tony’s lab, does not mean he needs to get a “Property of Stark Industries” tattoo.
- 61. Tony is not allowed to design a robot to draw said tattoo on Bruce when he falls asleep in the lab.
- 62. Post-mission reports to Director Fury should not start out ‘So let me explain…’
my boyfriend calls me fat.